The 104 Podcast - Tips For Sexual Purity

046 – Don’t Minimize Your Sins

104podcast — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 06:00:53 +0000

SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 046 (10:15)
Click here to download or listen to the show

I want to thank my friend at Purifying Grace for putting together a nice list of ways that we minimize sin. Here are a few of them.

1. We give excuses
“I’m a guy, and guys do things like this.”
“That’s the addiction in me.”

2. We rationalize
“Well at least I didn’t cheat on my wife.”
“I looked at that movie, but I didn’t masturbate.”

3. We blame others
“I was abused as a child.”
“My wife doesn’t meet my sexual needs.”

4. We claim to be a victim – We see a sexy billboard and say, “I didn’t put that billboard there.” We might blame the spammer who sent the anonymous porn email to our email address. This type of victimization is by some anonymous force out there that is against us.

5. We wear masks – and pretend we’re something we’re not. I fake maintain an image for many reasons including shame, inadequacy, embarrassment, and guilt. This one really has two parts: hiding our sin; and exaggerating my good qualities/actions.

6. We downplay the sin
“Well it was only a catalog picture,”
“But it wasn’t hardcore pornography.”

7. We spiritualize our sinning. I shift the focus on God’s grace and my apparent or real sorrow. Basically, I am playing the God card. I say, “God has forgiven me, so why haven’t you?” Or “God has forgiven me, so should you.” I expect everyone else to take the high road and be like Jesus while I excuse myself to play the role of sinner.

8. We feel deserving or entitled.
“I had a hard week, so I deserve this,”
“My wife is not attentive to my needs, so I’m going to take care of business myself.”

9. We create a diversion – We talk about our behavior, but then quickly change the subject to something else.

You’re checking into Group. You’ve acted out and relapsed this week. You talk about our difficult week, but then talk about how difficult your wife is.
Attention = on wife

You’re having problems in chatrooms again. You talk to a friend about it, but then you turn the subject to how you’ve slipped in reading the Bible and praying.
Attention = on your spiritual disciplines instead of your slipping up

10. We make a Minimize Sandwich – This is a sophisticated type of minimization that says: I’m a good person, I did something wrong, I’ve wrapped it up and dealt with it.

“Now I’m a very good person [or spiritual person], and I know I’m not perfect, nobody is. I looked at porn, yes. But then I turned the computer off and asked God’s forgiveness and He forgave me.”

“I had a good week. I did have one incident where I masturbated. But it was only one time. Thank God it wasn’t a binge like I used to do.”

CHECK OUT THE PURIFYING GRACE WEBSITE
My friend at Purifying Grace is putting out some good content on sexual addiction. His blog goes deep into some of his own struggles and how he’s finding God’s victory. P.G. also does a lot of research and scripture digging that will be helpful to you.

THE BEST ACCOUNTABILITY SOFTWARE
We are proud to be affiliated with Covenant Eyes! They have allowed us to offer you a Free 30-Day trial of their software. I my and Marsha’s opinion, it’s the best on the market. They have great filtering software and accountability software. CLICK HERE for a free 30-day trial of Covenant Eyes, and type in the code PURITY when you check out.

Take this important step and shore up your computer with some filtering and accountability.

Resources
www.porntopurity.com (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com (Porn to Purity Blog)

Show Music from MusicAlley.com
Show Theme – Derek K. Miller “Hotcake Syrup”
Background - Andy McKee “Natogawa San”

The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity. The meat. Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces.

Subscribe to the show on I-Tunes

Top Tips Podcast Hits 10,000 Downloads!

104podcast — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 10:00:47 +0000

Honestly, from our hearts… we really don’t care about our stats.

WordPress shows us how many views we have to our blogs and we keep an eye on it. But we had never check the stats on our podcasts until tonight.

Jeff had to upgrade our media hosting package on Libsyn.com and noticed that our stats were included in the new package. We were shocked that The 104 Podcast: Top Tips For Sexual Purity has had 10,072 downloads since September.

We thank God that He is helping people find our podcasts. I-Tunes has many great podcasts to help with sexual recovery (check out this post). We are glad to share space with them, and glad our podcasts are helping others.

CHECK OUT OUR OTHER PODCAST

The Porn to Purity Podcast – Jeff and Marsha share their story and the things they are learning together on their recovery journey. They are candid about their recovery and about the things they still struggle with. The shows are longer in length. Jeff and Marsha do a new P2P podcast every 4-6 weeks.

Here are a few of our best shows:

Show 1 – My World Just Fell Apart! Now What?
Show 5 – Rebuilding Trust
Show 7 – Keys to Getting Through the First Two Years

045 – Deal With Your Daddy Wounds

104podcast — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 06:00:23 +0000

SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 045 (7:32)
Click here to download or listen to the show

Many of us struggling with sexual addiction have distant dads. Daddy issues are part of the underlying struggle that many sex addicts uncover

When a person begins to recovery from sexual addiction it’s important to look at their own family background.

Q: Were sexual things freely discussed in your family?

Q: How did your parent’s react to sexual issues or questions?

Q: Who gave you the “birds and the bees” talk? How did that go?

Q: What messages did your parents model with their relational intimacy?

WHAT DID YOUR DAD MODEL?
Maybe your dad…

Had a hidden stack of Playboys around the house.
Would treat mom very poorly.
Would have a lot of anger and sometimes get physical.
Would objectify women and treat them like sex objects.
Did not spend much time with you.
Kept holding you to a perfect standard.
Gave you license to have sex and act out sexually.

Our dads probably indirectly contributed to our desire to act out sexually and may have been a direct encouragement.

A BOOK YOU GOTTA GET
Anything from John Elderidge is good. But his book Fathered By God is exceptional when it comes to the wounds we get from our dads and need healing from. Like no other book, this one has helped me to work through a lot of anger I have had toward my own father.

TIPS FOR DEALING WITH DADDY WOUNDS

There are no perfect dads – Even people from the best homes have problems with there dads. You and I have more.

Realize your dad has a wounded past too – Your dad probably had issues with his father. Things weren’t handled very well in his past. Maybe he never had men model godliness for him.

We are the ones who have acted out and made wrong choices – You can’t blame dad for your sexual choices. Your dad may have contributed to a childhood of unhealthy sexual messages, but he didn’t make you click on websites, fantasize, have an affair, or visit a prostitute.

Get a counselor to help you explore your daddy issues – Counselors deal with these type of wounds all the time. They are skilled in helping people uncover underlying issues and healing from them.

You have a lot of anger toward your dad – I don’t think I’m making too big an assumption. If we have wounds from our dads, we have some anger. Some of us have a lot of anger. God and your counselor can help you explore that and find forgiveness and healing.

You cannot fully recovery from your addiction, until you deal with your dad issues – Another big statement. When you decide to tackle your dad issues, it hurts. You need to get back in touch with that hurt so you can bring it to God.

When we open up to God, He will bring His perfect love and truth to our hearts.

Take this important step and shore up your computer with some filtering and accountability.

Resources
www.porntopurity.com (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com (Porn to Purity Blog)

Show Music from MusicAlley.com
Show Theme – Derek K. Miller “Hotcake Syrup”
Background - Andy McKee “All Laid Back and Stuff”

The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity. The meat. Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces.

Subscribe to the show on I-Tunes

Tagged: dad wounds, daddy wounds

044 – The Importance of Structure

104podcast — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 08:00:49 +0000

SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 044
Click here to download or listen to the show

You’ll find that a good structure is an important part of the sexual recovery process.

Lust thrives in a loose environment where anything goes.

Secrets also do better in an unstructured environment.

We have become used to a sexually liberal life.

We have also believed many lies about our lifestyle.

We have lost our structure , and we have lost our sense of boundaries.

REGAINING OUR STRUCTURE

When we first come into the sexual addiction recovery process, we need lots of structure. Structure helps us redefine our boundaries, provide security, setup roadblocks, line up accountability and promote discipleship. A good structure will help us know what to do and what not to do.

But we rebel against this added structure. Our flesh nature fights and claws to get back to a freer environment. We also experience withdrawals.

Other people are vital to helping us through this readjustment period.

Sexual support groups and counselors have a lot of good advice to offer you as you set up your structure.

TYPES OF STRUCTURE
Likewise, if your sexual life is out of control, you have to reset your life by bringing in structure. Counseling sessions, support groups, accountability relationships, roadblocks, boundaries, filters for your TV and computer, and bottom lines. Other types of structure might be new healthy habits like exercise, bible reading, prayer, journaling, picking up a hobby or volunteering.

As you redevelop your structure you have to seriously consider:

Stopping illegal activity
Stopping adulterous, illicit, and pornographic relationships
Radically filtering your computer, TV and DVD use
Finding healthy outlets for your energy and passions
Developing healthy relationships with others.
Building roadblocks and accountability around the things that trigger you
Starting a regular routine of bible reading, prayer, and reading recovery material
Attending group every week without fail

NEWER TO RECOVERY NEED MORE STRUCTURE
If you are just beginning your recovery, you need as much structure as you can set up. Shock, grief, consequence, and waves of emotion come hard the first few months. You need some solid guidelines and people around you

TOO LITTLE, TOO SOON
One problem with the recovery process is when you start doing well with your new structure and you or your friends feel it’s OK to back off early in the process. You have to let others help you with making adjustments to your structure.

LEGALISM
Too much structure leads to legalism. Legalism is when rules become the main thing and become a means to control others with. There needs to be a balance of structure and boundaries and grace and love. We will get better with added structure, but we will thrive when we have safe people we can continue to confess our faults to, and people who will “get in the mud” with us to help us through.

Take this important step and shore up your computer with some filtering and accountability.

Resources
www.porntopurity.com (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com (Porn to Purity Blog)

Show Music from MusicAlley.com
Show Theme – Derek K. Miller “Hotcake Syrup”
Background - Brian Butler “Cool Rhythm”

The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity. The meat. Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces.

Subscribe to the show on I-Tunes

043 – Read Recovery Material

104podcast — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 06:00:41 +0000

SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 043
Click here to download or listen to the show

On the road to recovery and sexual purity, there are two types of software you need to have on your computer:

Content filtering software - Filters out the bad sites, pop ups and bad images. Degree of the filtering can be adjusted.

Accountability software – Keeps a log of the sites and images you have looked at. A report is emailed on a regular basis to accountability partners.

Most people have filtering software, but if you are really serious about staying pure on your computer you have to get some accountability software.

1. Content filters just aren’t enough – Content filters don’t catch everything. There are ways around filters, and we find them. Accountability software shuts the doors to “work arounds”.

2. We’re not as strong as we think we are – We are not a good judge of our own strength. We always think we are stronger and better. We’ve proved that with our failures on the computer in the past.

3. We all have blind spots – We convince ourselves some sites are acceptable, when they are not. We allow ourselves quick looks & “sneaky snacks”. We can click places without realizing. Others can help us see things we can’t.

4. We need others on this journey – Recovery (and life, for that matter) is not meant to be done alone. Those in recovery have to learn to lean on others, and seek out healthy relationships.

5. Our slips are subtle, not radical – We don’t go from 0-60 mph in one swoop. We start our slips incrementally. There is a gradual accepting of new levels of sensual sites and porn. Our accountability buddies can help us spot these slow fades.

6. Triggers pop up even when we’re not looking for them – Ever click on a normal site and something triggery pops up? If you struggle with sexual addiction, these can lead you to act out and plunge further. When you are accounting for your clicks, it helps you turn it off before you do some damage.

7. It’s easy to click and get out of control quickly – We can click into bad stuff in a couple of seconds. It’s so quick. Accountability software forces you to talk about these difficulties. Talking your stuff through is essential to your recovery.

Take this important step and shore up your computer with some filtering and accountability.

Resources
www.porntopurity.com (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com (Porn to Purity Blog)

Show Music from MusicAlley.com
Show Theme – Derek K. Miller “Hotcake Syrup”
Background - John Orr “Flood Dance”

The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity. The meat. Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces.

Subscribe to the show on I-Tunes

042 – A Strategy For Recovery: Build a Good Offense

104podcast — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 08:00:09 +0000

SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 042
Click here to download or listen to the show

Offense = measures you take to strengthen your inner man (heart)

Defense = measures you take to protect yourself from acting out sexually

1. Relationships with other men – We need healthy relationships to succeed as a man, and to succeed in our sexuality. We have spent many years pouring our energy into lustful things. We are grossly deficient in healthy relationships and need other men to lean on when we have struggles. Pouring into other guys keeps us from selfishness.

2. Relationship with your spouse – Pouring into our spouse also keeps us from selfishness. Our spouses have probably been objects of our lust. We need to learn to serve them. We also need to realize the greatest ally and supporter God has given us is our spouse.

3. Healthy outlets for your passions and creativity – We are passionate, creative people. We have spent a lot of time, energy, and money on our lustful habits. We need to find healthy places for that energy. Take up a hobby. Build something. Go to the gym. Learning to pour yourself in healthy directions when you feel edgy and triggery is a huge step. We have to learn to think differently with our creativity. 4. Healthy habits to keep you busy – We have developed bad habits and reinforced them. We need to stop our bad habits (defensive), and replace them with good ones (offensive). The TV vegging has to give up its throne. Chilling out on YouTube needs to be replaced by a healthier habit. Get busy with something different. Fill your day with something that doesn’t make you feel triggery or lead you down a wrong path.

5. Work on your wounds – Our hearts need God’s healing. We all have hurts in our past and damage that was done. Our wounds might be deep anger, disappointment, resentment, negative messages, grief or abuse. Deeper healing helps us grow strong on the inside. Face the pain with a counselor, or a pastor. Bring your wounds to God and let Him heal you and teach you His truth. 6. Support Group – Groups are both defensive and offensive. They can help you with roadblocks, but they can also help you explore the deeper stuff. They can hear things and see things in your life that you cannot. No one can do recovery on his own. He needs other men to challenge him and help him work through issues.

7. Help others with their struggles – Internally, we have been very selfish in our addiction. We have to learn to focus on and care for others in our recovery. Reversing the flow from selfish to serving is huge for our sexual health.8. Prayer and the Word of God Washing You – Nothing changes your inside more than the power of God and the power of His Word. You have to open your life up to His Word. We have believed lies about our identity and about sexuality. We need God’s Truth to correct us from the inside out.

9. Way of getting your feelings out – Sexual addicts are great at internalizing their feelings. They like to be alone, in control, and open up to very few people. Recovery means you are learning to share your feelings. You need someone to talk to. You need to learn how to talk to God. You may need a journal or notebook to help you with this area. 10. Read recovery materials – People successful in recovery are reading books and articles. They are seeking guidance and mentorship. Anything by Dr. Doug Weiss or Dr. Mark Laaser is a good place to start.

Great List of Resources, Books, Websites

Great List of Podcasts

11. Hearing and sharing stories – God uses the stories of others to give us hope, encouragement, challenge, and tips. We realize we are not alone in our struggles. Sharing your story becomes a way that you learn to serve and help others.

PROBLEMS WITH OFFENSE ONLY
Some will focus so much on offense that they neglect defense. We can get so wrapped up in ourselves, our heart condition, and our relationships, that we forget to set up the necessary roadblocks. God uses others in our recovery. We need skilled hands (pastors, counselors, mentors). Sexual purity is not up to us alone. We need to confess to others, submit to others, serve others, bear one another’s burdens.

Take this important step and shore up your computer with some filtering and accountability.

Resources
www.porntopurity.com (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com (Porn to Purity Blog)

Show Music from MusicAlley.com
Show Theme – Derek K. Miller “Hotcake Syrup”
Background - Andy McKee “Z-14″

The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity. The meat. Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces.

Subscribe to the show on I-Tunes

041 – A Strategy For Recovery: Build a Good Defense

104podcast — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 08:00:29 +0000

SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 041
Click here to download or listen to the show

Finding success in sexual purity is dependent on a good strategy. A good strategy is balanced with defense and offense.

Defense means “setting up a strong blockade”.

1. Roadblocks - A recovery word for anything defensive. The more things you can set up between a temptation and acting out, the better your defense. Roadblocks do not guarantee purity, but they make acting out much harder.

2. Computer Filters – Content filters, Accountability filters (see below), someone else has your password, limited hours on computer, curfew

3. Clean House – Get rid of all triggery magazines, DVDs, books, computer images & videos. Have your spouse sift through the ads in the paper, or throw them away.

4. Block and filter your TV – Use the ratings filters for your TV. Password protect your TV or institute a curfew.

5. Boundaries – Draw lines of defense around triggery places, people, things. A new route home from work. Deleting people from you phone or on Facebook. Avoid certain people at work.

6. Accountability – Get an accountability partner or partners. Work up a list of questions around your triggers, and hold each other to them. Meet regularly. Let them help you with your defense.

7. Bible Reading / Prayer / Memory Verses – Have a regular routine of reading your bible and praying. Memorize bible verses that help you with boundaries.

8. Support Group – Group is a healthy place to be each week, instead of on your own. Guys at group can help you identify blind spots, and work on a good strategy for your behaviors.

9. Cut people, places, things out – This is cleaning house with your regular routines and rituals. It goes beyond boundaries. Some people and places will promote stumbling, and you need to chop them off.

10. Replacement of Behaviors – Replace old habits, behaviors, rituals with new healthy ones.

PROBLEMS WITH DEFENSE ONLY
Many people stop with defense and don’t deal with their offense. This is out of balance. It says that you are working on the outside with out dealing with the inside. Defense only is behavior change, with no heart change.

The Pharisees of the New Testament were defense only. They setup rules and regulations to keep them from breaking the Law, but they had not heart for the Law. They were hypocrites. They had a complete reliance upon self, even though they were very spiritual.

Check in tomorrow for a greater understanding of what an offensive strategy for sexual purity looks like.

Take this important step and shore up your computer with some filtering and accountability.

Resources
www.porntopurity.com (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com (Porn to Purity Blog)

Show Music from MusicAlley.com
Show Theme – Derek K. Miller “Hotcake Syrup”
Background - Andy McKee “Z-14″

The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity. The meat. Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces.

Subscribe to the show on I-Tunes

040 – You’ve Got to Put Filters on Your Computer

104podcast — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 08:00:50 +0000

SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 040
Click here to download or listen to the show

On the road to recovery and sexual purity, there are two types of software you need to have on your computer:

Content filtering software - Filters out the bad sites, pop ups and bad images. Degree of the filtering can be adjusted.

Accountability software – Keeps a log of the sites and images you have looked at. A report is emailed on a regular basis to accountability partners.

Most people have filtering software, but if you are really serious about staying pure on your computer you have to get some accountability software.

4. We need others on this journey – Recovery (and life, for that matter) is not meant to be done alone. Those in recovery have to learn to lean on others, and seek out healthy relationships.

Take this important step and shore up your computer with some filtering and accountability.

Resources
www.porntopurity.com (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com (Porn to Purity Blog)

Show Music from MusicAlley.com
Show Theme – Derek K. Miller “Hotcake Syrup”
Background - Infallible ”95 Beats”

The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity. The meat. Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces.

Subscribe to the show on I-Tunes

039 – Why Do We Continue to Struggle With Certain Sins?

104podcast — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 08:00:45 +0000

SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 039
Click here to download or listen to the show

WE DIDN’T USED TO STRUGGLE WITH THESE SINS
All of our sins have a beginning point. Maybe it was a point of weakness, a need, a curiosity that made us start. Our actions became a way to cope with our situation, escape the pain, feel good, and our actions got results.

CALL THEM WHAT THEY ARE
It’s important that we don’t minimize our sins. They are strongholds. Habitual sins. We are in bondage to them. We don’t like talking about that, do we? In fact we minimize our sins by calling them:

Weaknesses
Slips
Thorns in the flesh
Struggles
Trials

WE GO AT HABITUAL SINS THE WRONG WAY
We think our own strength will help us find victory over these sins. We think we’ll outgrow them. We think that more bible reading, prayer, or fasting is the key. We might make vows to God and promises to ourselves. These things are important and have their place, but often they are OUR strategy and devoid of the power of God. We “man up” and try to conquer our sins, then fall flat.

WE GET STUCK IN THE SHAME CYCLE

FIVE VITAL KEYS TO BREAKING HABITUAL SIN

1. Brokenness

2. Confession

3. Repentance

4. Infusion of Truth

5. Others have to get involved (discipleship)

6. Surrender

Resources
www.porntopurity.com (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com (Porn to Purity Blog)

Show Music from MusicAlley.com
Show Theme – Derek K. Miller “Hotcake Syrup”
Background – Brandon Wolfe “Five More Minutes”

The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity. The meat. Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces.

Subscribe to the show on I-Tunes

038 – You Don’t Have to be a Sissy to Share Your Feelings

104podcast — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 08:00:33 +0000

SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 038
Click here to download or listen to the show

I’ve come to a big realization that I can be a feelings sharer and not be a sissy. Not one ounce of manhood has to be shed for someone to open up with there feelings. Instead, I think a person is more of a godly man if they share their feelings.

TRAINED BY DAD AND CULTURE
Our dads model for us that we need to be tough. We need to be strong. Being “feely touchy” is for sissies. Real men don’t cry. Real men don’t share their emotions. If our dads caught us crying, they say, “quit crying and suck it up”.

This is a message that many of us have been taught, but it is not a godly message. All over the bible there are examples of men who were solid, godly men who shared their feelings.

Moses, David, Jonah, Jeremiah, Peter, Paul & Jesus all shared their feelings. No one would call them a wimp. They were strong in the Lord and yet cried out to God and had a wide range of emotions.

FEELINGS AND SEXUAL ADDICTION
So much of our recovery from sexual addiction is underneath the surface. Your wounds and hurts have to be talked about. Your anger and unmet needs have to be talked about. Somehow you have to start learning how to talk about your feelings with others.

A misconception about sexual addiction support groups is that they are wimpy, touch feeling collectives. There are a few that are extremely emotive and sensitive, but the groups I have been a part of are made up of tough men, influential men, leaders that got caught in their sexual behaviors, and now have learned to talk about it.

PART OF GOD’S DESIGN
God has designed us with an emotional side. We are physical, emotional and spiritual. If our emotional side is neglected, it affects the other parts of our being. God wants us to be healthy for the first time with our emotions.

Bold Jeff Statement: If you are not growing in your emotions, you are broken. You are not functioning the way God has designed you.

BENEFITS OF SHARING MY FEELINGS

1. You can finally talk about the things underneath the surface

2. Feelings are critical to growing a relationship

3. Feelings are critical to real intimacy

4. Others will identify with the things you are going through better, and be able to come along side you.

5. It is part of God’s design. We will start being who he made us to be.

I have learned that I can be a feelings sharer and still be a strong man of God. My relationships and sexual health have drastically improved as a result.

Resources
www.porntopurity.com (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com (Porn to Purity Blog)

Show Music from MusicAlley.com
Show Theme – Derek K. Miller “Hotcake Syrup”
Background - Beau Hall ”Sugar Rush”

The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity. The meat. Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces.

Subscribe to the show on I-Tunes