Archive for the ‘104podcast’ Category

Top Tips For Sexual Purity is Moving to www.porntopurity.com

Hello Top Tips For Sexual Purity podcast listeners!

www.porntopurity.com is now the new home of

  • The Porn to Purity Blog
  • The Top Tips For Sexual Purity Podcast
  • The Porn to Purity Podcast
  • Our resources
  • And the shownotes. 

  

HERE ARE THE NEW FEEDS

Porn to Purity Blog (new address):  http://porntopurity.com/blog/ 

Porn to Purity Blog (feed):  http://feeds.feedburner.com/porntopurity

104 Podcast:  Top Tips For Sexual Purity (new address):  http://porntopurity.com/category/104podcast/

104 Podcast:  Top Tips For Sexual Purity (feed):  http://porntopurity.com/category/104podcast/feed/

I think you’ll be really impressed with the new site if you haven’t seen it. 

072 – Tips For the First 30 Days of Your Recovery

 104 diagonal

SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 072 (10:09)
Click here to download or listen to the show

MOST OF MY SCRIPT FOR THE SHOW 

On this episode of the Top Tips For Sexual Purity Podcast I want to mention several things that I have learned are helpful to make it through your first 30 days of recovery.  

In this list of tips, I’ve tried to include things that I think are “difference makers”.  Some of them are uncomfortable.  Some of them are radical.  Some of them call you out of your secrecy and into a different way of living.  

If you are in bondage to sexual sin, let’s face it, you HAVE to do things differently.  What you’re doing right now is not working.  

So let’s start fresh!  Let’s begin with a new page.  Let’s talk about Tips For the First 30 Days of Your Recovery.

ONE – Find at least one “safe person” to talk to
A “safe person” is someone whom you can talk to about your struggles.  The person could have struggled sexually, but it’s not required.  This person is someone who will listen in an objective, non judgmental way to you.  A safe person is someone safe.  Someone you can trust.  Someone you can share your secrets with.  

During the first 30 days of recovery, you need to begin talking about your junk with someone safe.  Those that are doing well in recovery have other people involved in their life
 

TWO – 30 Meetings in 30 days
This is a tip I got from the first purity group I was a part of.  30 meetings in 30 days comes from many addiction support group materials.  You need to talk with other people and meet with other people who are going through similar struggles.   

Find out where there are support groups in your area.  Doug Weiss groups.  Mark Laaser groups.  Sexual Addicts Anonymous groups.  Celebrate Recovery groups.  Visit as many different groups as you can during the first 30 days.  Go to as many meetings as possible. 

You need people to talk to.  You need to hear the stories of others.  You need to know that you’re not alone.  You need to hear that there is hope.  You need to get the names and phone numbers of other people who can be an encouragement to you.  

On my website porntopurity.com I have a list of links to help you find groups in your area. 

THREE – Make an appointment with a Christian counselor
Next to going to a sexual support group for the first time, this is my favorite tip for the first 30 day.  Your world just blew apart, and a counselor can help you sift through it.  There’s a lot of stuff going on inside of you; a counselor is trained to unlock the hurts of our emotion and souls.  

Find a counselor.  And try to find a Christian counselor.  Be brave and break the ice on going to a counselor.  You won’t be sorry.  

FOUR – Deal with your computer
If there’s anything that’s going to trip you up again and send you back into a tailspin.  You’re your computer.  I don’t know why people get into recovery and haven’t dealt with their computer.  

You have to have filters on your computer.  But filters are not enough.  You have to be radical with your computer.  If you’re married, you need to turn your computer over to your wife and let her have the only password.  This will cut you off quickly, and help you and your wife be aware of what sites you’re going to. 

If you can’t turn your password over to someone else, you definitely need accountability software.  BSecure.  X3pure, or my favorite Covenant Eyes.  This software records all of the sites a computer goes to and sends a report to an accountability partner.  

One last thing about dealing with your computer… you need to delete any bad files, videos, or pictures that still remain on your computer.  

Clean house.  Get protection and gut through your first 30 days with very limited computer use. 

FIVE – Get a notebook or journal
This is a great tip that I and many guys have found very valuable.  Sexual purity is largely about what’s going on underneath the surface.  A notebook or journal will help you  write out your thoughts, prayers, and struggles.  It’s also a place to begin to write the things you’re learning in your recovery process. 

SIX – Cut off sources of temptations
You’re not going to be free of temptation, but you can help to minimize it by being in good places, at good times, with good people, doing good things.  You have to radically change the atmosphere you hang around.  The computer, TV, magazines, movies, people, girlfriends, boyfriends, places you hang out.  Be serious and make some big cuts. 

If you are in bad relationships, you have to completely cut them off.  Adultery.  Pre-marital sex.  Chatrooms.  You have to chop these from your life.  This will mean deleting emails and accounts.  Take them off your phone rolodex.  De-friend these people on Facebook or Twitter.  Stop all contact with them.  Don’t let them drag you back in.  If you have to, send them a letter explaining your situation and your new commitment and never talk to them again. 

SEVEN - Your wife needs someone to talk to
If you are married, your wife is a critical part of your sexual purity and recovery.   Her world has just blown apart by your sexual struggles and she needs to have someone to talk to in her life.  She needs a counselor or a safe person to talk to.  You and her will not be able to get through this without the help of many other people.  And you’re the one who’s hurt your wife by your actions.  She needs someone other than you to work through it. 

EIGHT - Pick up at least one sexual addiction recovery book
You need to begin the habit of reading recovery material.  Get some resources that can help you understand your sexual struggles, hear the stories of others, and learn how are getting  through it.  I have a list of great books on my main site www.porntopurity.com.  But my favorite resource to recommend right now is Mark Laaser’s workbook Faithful and True.  It’s a great resource that will help you learn, but also think through your own sexual issues. 

NINE - Make a commitment to do whatever it takes
You may have made a vow or commitment in the past regarding your sexual purity, but I want you to do it with a different flare.  Make a commitment to work on your sexual purity in whatever way it takes.  Commit that you’re going to spend whatever money you need to.  Devote a large amount of time.  Put recovery and purity as #1 on your priority list.  Schedule it on your calendar.  Put it into your budget.  Take whatever steps are necessary, no matter how new or uncomfortable they are.  You’re going to have to do many things you’ve never done before with a very high intensity to get through your first 30 days strong.  

The bottom line is, you can’t do your 30 days like normal.  Your bondage to sexual sin is not a normal struggle.  It’s way beyond you.  We are much worse off than we thing, and we need to be radical in the way we approach sexual purity.  

Thanks For Listening!


jeff@porntopurity.com

Subscribe to Top Tips For Sexual Purity on I-Tunes


RESOURCES – MUSIC NOTES – LINKS (below)


CovenantEyes.comTHE BEST ACCOUNTABILITY SOFTWARE

We are proud to be affiliated with Covenant Eyes!  They have allowed us to offer you a Free 30-Day trial of their software.  I my and Marsha’s opinion, it’s the best on the market.  They have great filtering software and accountability software. CLICK HERE for a free 30-day trial of Covenant Eyes, and type in the code PURITY when you check out. 

Take this important step and shore up your computer with some filtering and accountability.

 

Resources
www.porntopurity.com  (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com   (Porn to Purity Blog)


Show Music from MusicAlley.com
Show Theme – Derek K. Miller “Hotcake Syrup”
Background - Plastic Soul “005-1 Electric Guitar”

 

The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity.  The meat.   Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces. 

 Subscribe to the show on I-Tunes

071 – How to Go to the Painful Places and Find Healing

 104 diagonal

SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 071 (9:13)
Click here to download or listen to the show

MOST OF MY SCRIPT FOR THE SHOW 

On the last Top Tips For Sexual Purity podcast, I talked about the importance of discovering and exploring our wounds.  We cannot be delivered from a sexual addiction and achieve a place of sexual purity without going to the hurts and painful places in our lives.  

The whole point of the last podcast was that we all have wounds that are driving our sexual behavior, and we need to make a commitment to work on them.  

Today’s podcast will give you some practical ways to discover your wounds and some ways to promote healing. 

HOW DO I DISCOVER MY WOUNDS?
Here are some ways that we can begin to find out where our hurts are: 

1.  Prayer –Let the Spirit of God search your heart and bring things to your mind that you need to heal from.  Ask Him what hurts you have.   

2.  Journaling – If you stopped listening to this podcast (reading this blog) right now and got a piece of paper, I bet you could write out half a page of hurts you have in your life.  In fact, that was your homework from the last episode.  I’m serious about it.  Get yourself a journal or a notebook.  Start writing down your hurts and exploring what’s there.   

3.  Counselor – I’m a big fan of counselors.  Find a Christian counselor who can help you explore the deeper stuff.  They have been trained to know how to ask the right questions and help you dig.  They have seen hundreds of people and helped them work through their pain.  Most of my deepest stuff has been uncovered with the help of my counselors.   

4.  Experienced people – An experienced person will be someone who has been through the same type of struggles you are going through.  They are farther along on the journey toward sexual purity and can help you identify things that you don’t know are there. 

The experienced person can his story.  Hearing the stories of others is very valuable to your healing.  When you hear what others have struggled with, their wounds and pain will resonate with yours.  Their stories and experiences will help you identify your own hurts.   

5.  Read Recovery Material – Good books on sexual addiction recovery and sexual purity talk about the deeper stuff.  One of my favorite basic recovery books is Faithful and True, written by Mark Laaser.  I have a list of helpful resources on our main site www.porntopurity.com that will be a big help to you. 

DOESN’T JESUS HEAL ALL MY WOUNDS?
Those who are Christians might ask this question. 

“Doesn’t the cross heal my wounds?” 
“Doesn’t having a relationships with Jesus heal my hurts?”

Or the larger question:

“Doesn’t having Jesus in my life free me from porn?”

The short answer is “absolutely!”  The deepest healing does come from Christ, and he is able to heal all of our wounds.  The Bible says He is sent to “bind up the wounds of the brokenhearted”, he has been sent to “set the captives free”. 

But consider two important things:

Healing is a Process
Healing from our woundings is a process, not a single event.  Accepting Jesus’ forgiveness for our sins takes away our condemnation and brings us close to our Savior.  But salvation is not going to automatically cure all of our damage.  Most of our heal come through a process of searching, seeking God’s help, identifying our struggles, surrendering them to God and receiving His healing. 

God uses other people to help us

We can figure some of our woundings out, but we can’t figure everything out.  God will often use other people to help us uncover our hurts and the painful spots.  

God works through relationships.  Our relationship with Him is primary.  Bring yourself to Jesus.  Soak in His Word, and when you discover your wounds, bring them to Him for healing.  

Our relationship with others has tremendous benefit.  Spend time with people who can help you with your soul and emotions.  

A HELPFUL EXERCISE
In the early stages of my recovery when I was working through my deep stuff, my counselor gave me a helpful exercise.  He told me to get a notebook and write each wound I could think of on a separate page. Then go back and spend time with each page, one-by-one.  

With each wound ask:

1.  God, what am I feeling and believing about this wound?
I would write out everything I could think of about that wound on the page.  Feelings.  Beliefs.  Lies.  I would try to sit in the pain and go back to it. 

** Let me say, this is a step you might want to work on with a counselor.  Our stuff can be extremely painful.  It helps to have someone experienced with us as we explore it.

2.  God, what do you think about this wound?  What’s the truth about this wound?

This is where you bring it to God.  You are still and you listen for his voice.  You write down the things He says.  You ask Him for healing and you lift up each wound to God.  Lift up the pain to God and let Him bring His healing. 

This was such a good exercise for me.  It took a lot of time, but helped me explore the pain that I had.  Sometimes I had anger that I needed to let go of.  Sometimes there were things that hurt God’s heart and I felt His comfort and presence.  Sometimes there were sins that I needed to confess and relationships that I had to repair.  Sometimes there were lies I believed about my wounds, and I needed to know God’s truth.  

Working on your wounds is an offensive strategy.  It is essential work on your insides, and a healthier inside leads to a healthy outside.  Those who are finding victory in their sexual struggles, and doing the hard work by letting God and others help them work through their wounds. 

Thanks For Listening!


104podcast@gmail.com
Subscribe to Top Tips For Sexual Purity on I-Tunes


RESOURCES – MUSIC NOTES – LINKS (below)


CovenantEyes.comTHE BEST ACCOUNTABILITY SOFTWARE

We are proud to be affiliated with Covenant Eyes!  They have allowed us to offer you a Free 30-Day trial of their software.  I my and Marsha’s opinion, it’s the best on the market.  They have great filtering software and accountability software. CLICK HERE for a free 30-day trial of Covenant Eyes, and type in the code PURITY when you check out. 

Take this important step and shore up your computer with some filtering and accountability.

 

Resources
www.porntopurity.com  (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com   (Porn to Purity Blog)


Show Music from MusicAlley.com
Show Theme – Derek K. Miller “Hotcake Syrup”
Background - Andy McKee “Nakagawa San”

 

The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity.  The meat.   Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces. 

 Subscribe to the show on I-Tunes

070 – You Need to Explore Your Wounds

 104 diagonal

SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 070 (8:37)
Click here to download or listen to the show

MOST OF MY SCRIPT FOR THE SHOW 

All of us have woundings.  Whether we’re working on our sexual purity, recovering from sexual addiction, or don’t struggle with sexual issues at all… all of us have been wounded. 

Woundings are emotional, relational, physical or spiritual hurts we have.  Woundings may have been a result of our own actions, or the hurts may have been caused by someone else. 

I’ve mentioned before on the Top Tips Podcast that our sexual struggles are less about our behaviors, and more about what’s going on underneath the surface.  Our unmet needs, our unfulfilled expectations, and our wounds have created gaps inside us.  We have learned to fill these gaps with sexual stimulation.  We have learned to medicate our hurts and our pain with sexual pursuits instead of seeking the healing that God wants us to have. 

I began struggling with sexual sin in Junior High and it continued to grow for 20 years.  I had no idea I had wounds that were driving my behaviors.  I knew I had sexual struggles.  I knew I gravitated toward lustful things, masturbation and porn, but I didn’t know they had any connection with my hurts inside.

At some point in our battle for sexual purity, we start asking:

  • How did I get here?
  • Why do I like sex so much?
  • Why can’t I stop masturbating and looking at porn, even when I want to?
  • Why did I go to that chatroom again? Why did I have that affair?  Why did I cheat on my girlfriend?  Why do I keep craving sexual things?

The answer to these questions can’t come without an exploration of the wounds we have inside.

Freedom from pornography and sexual addiction can’t come without a healing of our wounds. 

YOU CAN’T HAVE SEXUAL PURITY WITHOUT HEALING
We have tried to achieve sexual purity with our will power.  We promise ourselves we’ll do better and work harder.  We make a strong determination to not have sex or go to that computer site.  We white knuckle it when we have triggery, tempting days. 

Discipline and determination is important, but sexual purity happens from the inside out.  We need to find out what’s broken on the inside, then seek the right help for it.

Think about it:  Do you want deep, lasting healing, or do you just want to have another “good day”?

Then make a commitment to go deep.  Make a commitment to explore your wounds and seek God’s healing. 

WHAT DOES A WOUND FEEL LIKE?
Some of you already know what wounds feel like.  It’s a very painful.  They are pockets of hurt.  They are memories that you push away when they pop in your head.  

Sometimes wounds are attached to people we don’t like.  There are certain people you don’t want to be around.  They have hurt you, failed you, rejected you, abandoned you, or maybe abused you.  All of those are wounds.  The thought of them or being in their presence stirs up negative emotions in you.  

Some woundings have come from our families.  No parents are perfect.  They may have accidentally done things to you or said things to you that have been hurtful.  They may have intentionally wounded you. 

Even if you came from a good family or a Christian family, we still have family woundings that have come from our imperfect parents and imperfect relatives.  

Some wounds come from sexual experiences we have in the past: 

  • Being sexually active before or outside of marriage 
  • Looking at pornographic magazines at a young age
  • Watching movies with nudity in them at a young age
  • Experimental masturbation that turns compulsive
  • Sexual abuse that has happened you 

Other wounds could have come from broken relationships.  Perhaps you were rejected as a young boy.  Maybe a girlfriend your really loved broke up with you.  Or it could have been the death of a loved one that created a wound in your heart.  

Wounds are “no fly zones”.  We don’t go there, we don’t talk about them, we quickly change the subject when these hurts are brought up. 

Wounds are painful, and we don’t like to go to the painful places. 

YOU MUST GO TO THE PAINFUL PLACES
But you must go to the painful places if you want to find healing from you wounds.  You must talk about your hurts to others, but you probably need to talk to others about your wounds.  This is where counselors come in.  This is where your priest or pastor can be helpful.  This is where safe people, experienced people, or a support group can be very helpful.  

If we don’t go to the painful places and explore our wounds they’re not going to go away on our own.  Wounds go deep.  And very similar to a gapping wound on our body, band-aids won’t help very much.  

When I was a teenager I got bit by a brown recluse spider.  The venom from these spiders eats down into your flesh and even bone.  My doctor told me the effect is much like leprosy.  The procedure for healing was not pretty.  He had to dig out all of the bad tissue before bandaging it up.  Everyday I had to do some serious scraping on the wound so the wound would stay open and heal from the bottom up.  It took a long time. 

Don’t try to shortcut your healing.  You can’t bypass the pain.  If you do, you’ll have more erosion on the inside and will go back to looking for another fix for the pain.

Thanks For Listening!


104podcast@gmail.com
Subscribe to Top Tips For Sexual Purity on I-Tunes


RESOURCES – MUSIC NOTES – LINKS (below)


CovenantEyes.comTHE BEST ACCOUNTABILITY SOFTWARE

We are proud to be affiliated with Covenant Eyes!  They have allowed us to offer you a Free 30-Day trial of their software.  I my and Marsha’s opinion, it’s the best on the market.  They have great filtering software and accountability software. CLICK HERE for a free 30-day trial of Covenant Eyes, and type in the code PURITY when you check out. 

Take this important step and shore up your computer with some filtering and accountability.

 

Resources
www.porntopurity.com  (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com   (Porn to Purity Blog)


Show Music from MusicAlley.com
Show Theme – Derek K. Miller “Hotcake Syrup”
Background - Andy McKee “I’ll Be Over You”

 

The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity.  The meat.   Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces. 

 Subscribe to the show on I-Tunes

069 – The Bottom is Not Really the Bottom

 104 diagonal

SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 069 (8:28)
Click here to download or listen to the show

MOST OF MY SCRIPT FOR THE SHOW 

One of the hard things I had to learn about the recovery process is that the bottom is not really the bottom. 

This can be a helpful insight for those of you who are early in your sexual addiction recovery. 

Think about it, if you have just entered your recovery, your life has probably hit what you think is bottom.  Your sexual sin got found out.  Your secret behaviors were discovered, and the truth of who you are inside and what you have done has come into the Light.

When the truth about our sexual behaviors becomes known, we hit a level of brokenness.  We definitely hit a bottom, but it’s not usually THE bottom.

You’ll find that you’ll hit multiple bottoms on the road to recovery.  God is not out to punish us and make our lives miserable.  He loves us and is good.  But the only position we can find deep healing from is the bottom.  The bottom is the place where we find brokenness, and the path to true brokenness takes some time to get to. 

** I encourage you to check out Episode 064 “Brokenness is Essential to Recovery” for more top tips about brokenness.

I wish this was something we never had to experience, but it’s a very important part of the process of recovery and the path to healing. 

My wife thought I should name this podcast “You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet”, or “It’s Going to Get Worse Before it Gets Better”. 

I don’t think this is the best thing to talk about on Day 1 right after a person’s world has fallen apart. 

This is a tough one, but I promise, it’s an important one.  Here are some reasons that we may have to experience several different bottoms:

  1. There are other things we still need to confess – Rarely do we share everything that we’ve done one with the first confession.  There are levels of our confession.  There are additional secrets yet to be reveal to the people we have sinned against. 
  2. We have a history – Our behaviors, attitudes and core beliefs all have roots.  We have a past we will need to investigate in our recovery.  As we trace back our behaviors to their roots, difficult realities will surface.  Our sexual history.  Our family history.  Our relationship history.  All of these bring new insights to our addiction. 
  3. We have wounds to uncover – Part of unlocking our history is discovering woundings.  We have hurts and unmet needs.  We may have experienced rejection or abuse.  We have done harm to ourselves and others have done harm to us.  These wounds all bring fresh pain that may take us to new lows. 
  4. Consequences come in waves – Our actions have caused damage to others and to ourselves.  We may be experiencing some of the consequences of our sexual sins, but many waves of consequence and struggle are yet to come.  Early in recovery, we will experience frequent, heavy waves.  Later in recovery, the waves will diminish in frequency and strength, but they still come. 
  5. Shock stage comes first – Early in our crisis, we are in a state of shock.  Crisis is a numbing stage where we haven’t experienced the full amount of pain.  As the dust clears and we are able to start picking up the pieces, we accept our reality, we accept that we are struggling with an addiction, and we start to experience the pain. 
  6. Relationships haven’t caught up yet – Others have been damaged by our actions and inactions.  They are still in shock to.  As the initial stages wear off, others may begin expressing sorrow and anger.  It is very difficult to see others suffering for what we’ve done.  It is also very difficult to be the object of someone else’s wrath. 
  7. Slips happen and sometimes send us into a tailspin – Recovery is a process.  It will be a struggle, and you will experience many ups and downs.  You have not know how to function with a healthy sexuality, so you will stumble through it for a while.  You will have slips, setbacks and failures.  These can be disheartening and might bring us down to a new level. 

I don’t want you to be discouraged by this podcast.  Even though you may experience  additional bottoms, additional hurts, and additional consequences, God gives strength for you to get through these.  He has not left us without hope and His presence. 

Understand that it’s critical that you experience these bottoms.  Those in recovery who try to shortcut recovery and push away the pain, have very shallow recoveries and fall into relapse very quickly.  God wants to hack away at the bad, unhealthy, ungodly stuff and build you back strong.  He wants you to function in your sexuality the way He designed you.

You’ll find if you are connecting with healthy, safe people and building your support team, you will be able to navigate through the worst of the bottoms. 

Don’t give up!  Even if things still need to get worse for you, God can help you through it. 

If you don’t have anybody to talk with, drop me an email at 104podcast@gmail.com.

Thanks For Listening!


104podcast@gmail.com
Subscribe to Top Tips For Sexual Purity on I-Tunes


RESOURCES – MUSIC NOTES – LINKS (below)


CovenantEyes.comTHE BEST ACCOUNTABILITY SOFTWARE

We are proud to be affiliated with Covenant Eyes!  They have allowed us to offer you a Free 30-Day trial of their software.  I my and Marsha’s opinion, it’s the best on the market.  They have great filtering software and accountability software. CLICK HERE for a free 30-day trial of Covenant Eyes, and type in the code PURITY when you check out. 

Take this important step and shore up your computer with some filtering and accountability.

 

Resources
www.porntopurity.com  (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com   (Porn to Purity Blog)


Show Music from MusicAlley.com
Show Theme – Derek K. Miller “Hotcake Syrup”
Background - Andy McKee “All Laid Back and Stuff”

 

The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity.  The meat.   Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces. 

 Subscribe to the show on I-Tunes

Show 068 – Volume Adjusted

Hey Listeners!

The volume of the music on the latest show “Keep Look For Broken World People” was a little loud. I’ve toned it down and balanced it out a bit. Take care everyone & thanks for listening!

068 – Keep Looking For “Broken World People”

 104 diagonal

SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 068 (6:33)
Click here to download or listen to the show

MOST OF MY SCRIPT FOR THE SHOW 
If you are working on your sexual purity or on recovery from a sexual addiction and are experiencing a brokenness from it, I want to say:

Welcome to the Broken World Club!

I’m thankful to Gordon McDonald who coins the term “broken world people” in his book Rebuilding Your Broken World.    Broken world people are the people who realize that they have junk in their lives and are powerless to overcome it on their own.  They are the people who have been broken and humbled.  They have come to the end of themselves and realized that they need help.

Broken world people are the people who understand exactly what you’re going through. 

And many broken world people have navigated through their junk, found victory, and come out much stronger. 

The Broken World Club is the best place to be.  In your quest for sexual purity, you need to find these “broken world” people and make them part of your support team.  Broken world people:

  1.  Understand what you’re going through – You need people who understand what you are going through.  They’ve been there.  Even if their struggle wasn’t for sexual purity, someone who has been broken will understand struggle.  Those are the type of people you need to connect with. Broken world people know that all of us struggle.  We all have junk.  We all have hard times or deep woundings that are out of our control and overwhelm us.  The broken world people can identify with your junk as well as their own. 

     

  2. Know the deep depths of hurt – Broken world people have all been hurt deeply.  They have struggled.  They have come face-to-face with themselves, their hurts, their emotions, their wounds.  They know what it means to be broken.  They know what it means to lose things and to suffer consequences.  
  3. Know the deep depths of God’s love – Many broken world people who have found that God is near to the brokenhearted.  He comes close to the broken.  Broken world people have a deeper understanding of Gods love, mercy, goodness, help.  They have learned that He brings the deep healing and they can be an encouragement to you as you seek to connect with God and find healing.  
  4. Have seen the back side of the suffering –Broken world people can help us get perspective on our suffering.  In our sexual addiction recovery, we need to know that there is a tomorrow, there is hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We are so shallow in our understanding about life and suffering.  If you can get around broken world people, you will learn some valuable lessons from them that come from the depth of their suffering.  We chase after people who have had great success and victories.  Start chasing after people who have been through the depths of suffering and made it through. 

I talk a lot on the Porn to Purity website about the importance of finding safe people to talk to.  Safe people are the people who will listen to you, encourage you and support you on your recovery journey.  They may have gone through their own battle for sexual purity, or they may have had some other form of suffering. 

Broken world people will be some of the safest people for you to be around.  They will be your biggest supporters, your listening ears, and part of the wisdom that God wants to give you to help you navigate through your journey. 

Thanks For Listening!


104podcast@gmail.com
Subscribe to Top Tips For Sexual Purity on I-Tunes


RESOURCES – MUSIC NOTES – LINKS (below)


CovenantEyes.comTHE BEST ACCOUNTABILITY SOFTWARE

We are proud to be affiliated with Covenant Eyes!  They have allowed us to offer you a Free 30-Day trial of their software.  I my and Marsha’s opinion, it’s the best on the market.  They have great filtering software and accountability software. CLICK HERE for a free 30-day trial of Covenant Eyes, and type in the code PURITY when you check out. 

Take this important step and shore up your computer with some filtering and accountability.

 

Resources
www.porntopurity.com  (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com   (Porn to Purity Blog)


Show Music from MusicAlley.com
Show Theme – Derek K. Miller “Hotcake Syrup”
Background - Beau Hall “Sugar Rush”

 

The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity.  The meat.   Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces. 

 Subscribe to the show on I-Tunes

067 – The Six Stages of Grief and the Sexual Addict

 104 diagonal

SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 067 (10:00)
Click here to download or listen to the show

 

Those of us who are seeking sexual purity and those who struggle with sexual addiction, all have to deal with grief.  Grief is the way we deal with loss.

The Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as the five stages of grief, was first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. [1]

Those stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance

This model is very helpful as we think about our own sexual addiction recovery.  Several people I’ve read, including Dr. Doug Weiss add on a sixth stage… that of shock. 

Let’s talk about these six stages of grief and how they relate to our sexual addiction recovery and our desire for sexual purity.

The Shock Stage
This is the stage where something has thrown you into crisis.  You are off equilibrium. 

The revelation of a sexual addiction can easily send us into this Shock Stage.  Secret behaviors may have been found out or terrible consequences may have occurred.  A life has gone from normal to a car crash.  A bomb has suddenly gone off and carried you with its explosion. 

At this stage, you are numb, and can’t feel or process the pain yet.  

You can’t think straight or see beyond the explosion.

You’re in survival mode, just trying to get to the next moment. 

Denial – The “No, not me” stage
“I feel fine.”
“This can’t be happening, not to me.”
“I don’t have a problem.”

In denial, we shift the blame.  We think it’s normal to do this. It’s a stage where we are trying to make sense of things.  It’s a stage of detachment.  It couldn’t be me.

It’s a stage of minimizing.  Trying to pretend it’s less than what it really is. 

Denial is a defense mechanism that we use so we don’t have to face the pain.  It helps us continue to cope with very difficult situations. 

In our sexual addiction, we can be in denial about our sexual behaviors and how are affecting our life.  Look at your own life.  Are you shifting the blame?  Are you detaching?  Are you minimizing your behaviors? 

Anger – The “Why me?” stage
At the anger stage we start saying things like:  It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; “Who is to blame?”

Once in the anger stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.

Our anger could be directed toward anyone:  our self, our spouse, our friends, our parents, our pastor, and God. 

We are wrestling at this stage with the truth of our addiction.  We are realizing that it’s not going away.  The truth is hitting.  The consequences are hitting, and we’re not happy about it.

When are hitting the anger stage, it’s our first movement out of denial and into acceptance and real emotion.  We can’t bypass the anger stage.  It’s not healthy to push our anger away. 

I’ve noticed that for the sexual addict, there’s a lot of anger issues.  Their anger usually stems from being selfish, self-centered, and not wanting to change.  We want the pain to go away.  We want to be able to continue having sex, searching out sites on the Internet, masturbating, and continuing the way we are. 

When anger hits, it’s crucial to recognize it and work through it in healthy ways with healthy, safe people.

Bargaining – The “If I do this, you’ll do that” stage.
This is the stage where you think you can stop your behaviors anytime.  You can stop for a while.  You rationalize that you can do certain things, but not others.  You start bargaining with yourself.  You’re still trying to cope, and to hold on. 

We get very creative with our bargaining. 

You say, “Well, maybe if I tone it down a little.”  Or “if my wife would just be more sexual.”

You want to delay accepting your addiction and working on it.  You want to negotiate for your addictive behaviors to continue.  “If I could just have more time.”

You want to have one foot in your addiction, and one foot out. 

You’re trying to relax the sting.  You try to protest.  You hope that you can somehow postpone or delay the reality of the addiction. 

“Just let me live to see my children graduate.”; “I’ll do anything for a few more years.”; “I will give my life savings if…”

Depression / Sorrow – The “It’s really happened” stage.
“I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “I’m going to die… What’s the point?”; “I miss my loved one, why go on?”

At this stage, the reality is hitting.  You begin to understand that you are an addict and are facing a lot of uncertainties and fears. 

You know you’re going to have to change.  You may start going through withdrawals at this stage.  The consequences of what has happened makes you sad and may send you into a pit of despair and hopelessness. 

During all of these stages, you’re learning to disconnect from your old lifestyle and make the transition to a new lifestyle.  Grieving is a very important process, and a sad, sorowful, depressing time is normal. 

Our period of sadness may take a long time.  There are a lot of things we have to let go of and detach from.  It may take a lot of time. 

Acceptance – The “This is what happened” stage.
“It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.”

This final stage comes with peace and understanding of our addiction.  We recognize ourselves as an addict, or a recovering addict.  We begin to accept responsibility.  No more blame.  No more avoidance. 

This is the point where we start to become active in recovery. 

We start coming to terms with who we are, and with the recovery process. 

 

THE BEST ACCOUNTABILITY SOFTWARE
We are proud to be affiliated with Covenant Eyes!  They have allowed us to offer you a Free 30-Day trial of their software.  I my and Marsha’s opinion, it’s the best on the market.  They have great filtering software and accountability software. CLICK HERE for a free 30-day trial of Covenant Eyes, and type in the code PURITY when you check out. 

Take this important step and shore up your computer with some filtering and accountability.

 

Resources
www.porntopurity.com  (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com   (Porn to Purity Blog)


Show Music from MusicAlley.com
Show Theme – Derek K. Miller “Hotcake Syrup”
Background - Denis Janglv “Sounds From a Crystal”

 

The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity.  The meat.   Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces. 

 Subscribe to the show on I-Tunes

066 – White Knuckling It

104 diagonal

SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 066 (8:57)
Click here to download or listen to the show

 

“White knuckling it” is a phrase you’ll sometimes hear in a recovery group.  It has to do with a person struggling through a sexually tempting situation.  The person is gutting through it, willing himself through it.  Sweating through it. 

In auto racing, you’ll recognize “white knuckling it” as a time when a driver is navigating through a very dangerous situation or grouping of cars.  Grabbing the steering wheel so tight that your knuckles turn white. 

All of us have been there in our sexual struggles.  We want to do well.  We want to do the right thing, but we feel the strong pull to act out. 

These situations come when things trigger us, when we have an edgy day, when we are being bombarded with temptations or when we are emotionally struggling.

When we are going through withdrawals, trying to abstain from our sexual behaviors we will experience very challenging situations where the struggle is great. 

These are all times when a person might try to white knuckle it.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH WHITE KNUCKLING?

  1.  Relies on our own efforts & will power – We’re not going to get very far in sexual addiction recovery when we try to do thing on our own and with our own strength.  We don’t realize how strong an addiction is, and the power it has over us.  We are in bondage to our addiction, and we are not powerful enough to break it on our own. 
  2. We’ve tried it on our own and failed many times – How’s your track record on successfully fighting this battle?  Probably not too good.  Why if we’ve tried 55 times to stop, do we fail the 56th time?  We have an addiction.  We have practiced for years learning to cope with our hurts, needs, and desires on our own.  The neurochemicals in our brains have dug some deep pathways that are hard to break away from. 
  3. We leave others out – We think we can take the private, solo approach to sexual addiction recovery.  Bottom line:  we need others to help us through this thing.  We need to share our garbage with others.  We need others to know our hearts and weaknesses.  We need accountability.  We need encouragement.  We might even need a baby sitter when we’re trying to gut through some of these difficult times. 
  4. We leave God out – God is the only one who can get to the deep stuff.  He’s the only one who’s stronger than our addiction.  He can give us His power and heart during our tough times.  Our struggles are meant to drive us to God so that we will surrender them over to Him.
  5. We have a behavior-only approach -  Don’t forget that our sexual addiction is recovery is an emotional, relational recovery also.  It’s not just about stopping our acting out.  We do need to discipline ourselves, our bodies, and our urges.  But we need to give a large amount of attention to the hurts inside.  Something is always driving our behavior.  Let’s also focus attention there. 

 In fairness, there are some days when we are engaged in the fight and we just have to “gut through it”.  Some days are edgy and we will have to exercise our will power to get through.

Self-discipline is also important to learn.  Two components of our recovery are:

  • Stopping bad behaviors
  • Pouring ourselves in healthy directions

  

SOME TIPS FOR GETTING THROUGH WHITE KNUCKLE TIMES

On another blog, I talked about “How to Get Through Edgy Days”  (Episode 50).  I encourage you to go back and check that show out.  It’s a good complement to this show. 

But what can I do to prepare for white knuckle times, and to get through them, because they will come.

1.  Get around others.  Get others around you.  – If you can leave where you are and go be with other people, that will help.  If they’re recovery buddies, that’s great!  But if you can’t get around your support buddies, get out with some good friends.  Get around healthy people on white knuckle days.

If you can’t leave where you are, get on the phone and talk to some buddies.  Share your struggles if they are safe people.  Get them to pray for you. 

Break the emotional struggle with other people.

2.  Go do healthy things – Get out of the house.  Step away from work.  Get out of your hotel room.  Go to places where wholesome things are happening.  I like to go to the gym when I’m feeling edgy.  Or I’ll get away and write in my journal for a while.  

3.  Yank out your Bible – Get in God’s Word and get God’s Word into you.  If you are praying and filling your life with God’s Word, it’s harder for sexual desires to have their place.

4.  Tell God exactly what you’re feeling – Spend some time in prayer.  Throw up some 911 prayers.  Tell God how your feeling and how edgy it is for you.  He really does care and will bring His strong presence to assist you.

In your prayers, surrender your struggle to God.  Turn it over to Him.  Give it up into stronger hands. 

IF YOU’RE PLAYING WITH MUD YOU’RE GONNA GET DIRTY
I think it’s important to say that if you continue to stay in tempting situations, you’re going to fail.  The goal is not to be able to get through your Internet session, get through your after work party, or gut through the movie you’re watching.  There are definitely times you have to stop what you’re doing, get up and leave.  There are some times when you have to draw a hard boundary, set up big roadblocks, and be radically obedient. 

You can do it.  You have to do it. 

We just can’t be stupid about it.  Don’t think that you can live right on the edge with one foot in and one foot out and not get burned. 

THE BEST ACCOUNTABILITY SOFTWARE
We are proud to be affiliated with Covenant Eyes!  They have allowed us to offer you a Free 30-Day trial of their software.  I my and Marsha’s opinion, it’s the best on the market.  They have great filtering software and accountability software. CLICK HERE for a free 30-day trial of Covenant Eyes, and type in the code PURITY when you check out. 

Take this important step and shore up your computer with some filtering and accountability.

 

Resources
www.porntopurity.com  (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com   (Porn to Purity Blog)


Show Music from MusicAlley.com
Show Theme – Derek K. Miller “Hotcake Syrup”
Background - Joe Little “Crimson Red”

 

The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity.  The meat.   Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces. 

 Subscribe to the show on I-Tunes

065 – Identify and Stop Your Sexual Rituals

104 diagonalSHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 065 (10:36)
Click here to download or listen to the show

 

** Inspiration for this podcast / blog and some of the material came from Dr. Mark Laaser’s book Faithful and True (pp. 126-128, 140-143)

“Ritual” is a recovery term you need to learn.

A ritual is the warmup to acting out. 

It is the preparation you make that most always leads you to acting out. 

 

EXAMPLES OF RITUALS

Struggle With Internet Porn – Here’s a typical ritual.  You go on your computer, do some legitimate work.  You get bored so you start searching for harmless stories & pictures.  Then you start searching for images that are a little more exciting.  Before you know it, you’re deep into hours of looking at porn again.

Girl at Work – For the girl at work, you go by her desk, start chatting.  Chatting eventually turns to talking about deeper stuff.  This may go on regularly for weeks and months.  You repeat the same routine.  Eventually it turns into lunch, then a drink after work, then spirals into an adulterous relationship.

Neighbor Through The Window – You have a neighbor that leaves her blinds open at night.  You have caught glimpses in the past and start a ritual of waiting for times when you are alone in the house or your wife is asleep to go look through the window to the neighbor. 

In a Public Place – You go to a public place for legitimate reasons.  You are running your errands and doing your shopping.  You start checking out girls, ogling them.  It’s just a “harmless glance” you tell yourself, but it turns into looking again, then positioning yourself in different places to get better looks, then following her.  It may not ever turn into talking to the girl, but you’ve developed a ritual.

On a Business Trip – A lot of rituals can develop for sexual addicts on business trip. 

  • It might start with you being alone, going back to your hotel room to look at pornographic movies & masturbating.
  • It might be you hanging out at the bar after your conference to hook up with someone.
  • It might be you pulling out the phone book and calling an escort or visiting a massage parlor.

 

All sex addicts develop many rituals to get them ready to act out sexually.

Rituals are exciting.  They draw out the experience and excitement.  They prep our minds and our bodies for the sexual experience.  They get the neurochemicals going in our brains.  It charges us and it’s exciting. 

The warm-up can be quick or it can be longer.  The ritual can take minutes or days.  You preparing yourself to act out sexually. 

We wonder why things “suddenly happen”, but when we look back, we really can break down what has happened.  Dr. Mark Laaser in his book Faithful and True talks about rituals (pp.126-128).  He says that several things are unfolding when we are developing and participating in sexual rituals.

  1. Starts with a Trigger – It might be alone time, boredom, anger, grief or seeing something sexual, or seeing someone sexual. 
  2. Memories – We are reminded of times we have acted out.  Learned behaviors.  Sexual memories of the past. 
  3. Rationalizations – We rationalize in our head that it’s OK.  We start thinking that it  would be OK to go this direction.  You’re not going to take it too far.  You can always stop.  You are meeting your own needs.  Your spouse is not here to take care of you. 
  4. Lies – We believe lies to support our behaviors.  Believe that we will be better off meeting our own needs.  Believe that our behavior is OK.  We believe we are not loved.  We believe that sex is our greatest need. 
  5. Secrets – We have another secret behavior to hide.  Secrets build upon each other. 

 

When we are going through a ritual we get tunnel vision.  We start to only see the time of acting out.  We head down that slow funnel to completion. 

We start to dance around it. -  We surf our computer, touch some bad sites and save those for later – when it’s time to complete the acting out.  We don’t go straight to the acting out because we want to make the experience stronger and longer. 

We start to take risks – We see how far we can nudge the relationships.  We tell a dirty joke or mention a sexual enuendo, touch the person on the shoulder to see how much farther we can get and see what the reaction is. 

Mark Laaser also says that rituals:

  1.  Are usually done in secret
  2. May be dangerous
  3. May involve a chase, a quest, or a pursuit
  4. Are done in anticipation of something rewarding

 

Rituals get the adrenaline going.  Rituals are often wrapped around fantasy.  Our fantasies fuel the rituals and get the neurochemicals in our brains firing.  Our brains don’t know the difference between fantasy and acting out.  So prolonging the fantasy and ritual makes it even more exciting and addicting. 

RITUALS CAN BE GOOD
Not all rituals are bad.  A husband and a wife have several rituals they go through as they grow together in emotional intimacy.  They have certain rituals that lead up to physical intimacy.  Rituals can be part of romance.  The dance between a husband and wife can be very exciting and satisfying. 

HOW DO YOU BREAK RITUALS?
So how do you break away from rituals? 

  1.  You need to identify the rituals you have. 
  2. You need to draw boundary lines. 
  3.  You need to set up roadblocks. 
  4. Get an accountability buddy. 
  5. Establish new, healthy rituals.   

 

THE BEST ACCOUNTABILITY SOFTWARE
We are proud to be affiliated with Covenant Eyes!  They have allowed us to offer you a Free 30-Day trial of their software.  I my and Marsha’s opinion, it’s the best on the market.  They have great filtering software and accountability software. CLICK HERE for a free 30-day trial of Covenant Eyes, and type in the code PURITY when you check out. 

Take this important step and shore up your computer with some filtering and accountability.

 

Resources
www.porntopurity.com  (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com   (Porn to Purity Blog)


Show Music from MusicAlley.com
Show Theme – Derek K. Miller “Hotcake Syrup”
Background - AJT “Apple Chunk Guitar”

 

The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity.  The meat.   Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces. 

 Subscribe to the show on I-Tunes

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