SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 052 (9:24)
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LAYER #1: BEHAVIORS
Couples getting real with each other start with surface issues. This layer is usually about behaviors.
The first layer might be the husband confessing his Internet porn activity. It might be chatrooms, visits to prostitutes or involvement with other women.
A secret has been kept and has been revealed. Almost instantly a bomb goes off and true behaviors come to light. Sometimes a whole second lifestyle is revealed.
This is only one layer of discovery. This is hard enough isn’t it? The relationship is tested at this point. This may be a breaking point for a spouse. A couple may park at this layer for a long time if they don’t get the right help. A counselor can be a great help when secrets are revealed.
Layer One is about the sexual addict being truthful about his behaviors and no longer hiding his behaviors.
LAYER #2: EMOTIONS AND NEEDS
Behaviors are important to talk about, but something is driving the behaviors. Think inside-out. Something is happening inside us (emotions and needs) and we begin acting out (behaviors).
It’s not long before the spouse starts to ask, “Why did you do this?” Now you know your are starting to move into Layer Two.
A common initial answer to the question, “Why?” is “I don’t know.” This is not satisfactory, but it may be the truth at the moment. A spouse may not know why they did the things they did. It will take some time for the sexual addict to explore and crack open this layer. This is a hard layer. For a guy, it’s especially difficult. He’s not used to exploring his motivations and feelings.
We have God-given needs, but we try to meet them in unhealthy ways. We have feelings that we have learned to medicate with sexual things. We have emotions that we’ve spewed out in ungodly ways
To work through this layer, a couple has to find a way to talk about underlying emotions, unmet needs, disappointments, anger, and lack of trust. This layer is a different type of reveal. We risk a lot when we start sharing how we feel about our life, our marriage, and our spouse. It hurts when the spouses see the damaged insides of one another.
If you are talking to your spouse about your insides, you are making good progress. This is a huge layer to be working through.
LAYER #3: WOUNDS AND HISTORY
Some couples will never get to Layer Three. This is where we talk about the damage that’s been done to our life and how our background molds the way we think and act.
I don’t think couples can get here easily. In fact, some will not get here without a counselor. Truth, intimacy, and a safe environment have to exist before we are talking openly about our damage. Couples who can get here in their sexual addiction recovery can find a deep level of healing and rebonding.
Couples hanging out at Level Three are trying to understand how far our issues go back. We bring our baggage into marriage:
- Our past
- Our hurts
- Our childhood
- Our adolescent and developmental struggles
- Our sexual experiences
- Our family of origin.
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Resources
www.porntopurity.com (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com (Porn to Purity Blog)
Show Music from MusicAlley.com
Show Theme – Derek K. Miller “Hotcake Syrup”
Background - Andy McKee “She”
The 104 Podcast
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