050 – How to Deal With “Edgy” Days

 

SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 050 (11:13)
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 I recently had one of those “edgy” days.  A day where every girl looks pretty to me.  A day where I feel sexual, and I have a highened awareness of triggery things.  A day when I’m thinking more with the “nether regions” of my body, rather than my brain. 

Ever get like that? 

First, there are several things that may be contributing to us having an edgy day: 

1.  GUYS HAVE A CYCLE TOO

We all know that women have a cycle when it comes to there bodies and their hormones.  Guys seem to have a cycle too.  Dr. Mark Laaser says that its every 3 days for guys.  Arterburn & Stoeker in Every Man’s Battle talk about a 48 hour cycle.  Some guys are more some guys are less.

For the single guy, it means you being aware of your own sexual cycle and reaching out to healthy relationships when things get edgy for you.  It means you pouring yourself in productive directions instead of letting the lust flow overwhelm you.

For the married guy, this doesn’t mean that you need to have or should have sexual every 2 days (even though you’d like too).  I does mean that he needs to be aware of his own cycles and the physical buildup in his body.  It is a factor and we need to consider that it may be part of our “edgy” day. 

 

2.  DYSFUNCTION IN OUR MARRIAGES 
We probably have a lot of work to do in helping the sexual component of our marriages find equilibrium again.  I’m betting that the spouse who has the lust and sexual addiction problems has done some emotional damage to the other spouse.  Our marriages have probably been very self-serving for us.  I think it’s important to find a counselor to help you both work on this.   

 

3.  OUR STRESS LEVELS
 Let’s face it, when you are stressed out, you are going to have a harder time focusing on your purity.  I’ve notice that when my days are busy and I have a big load at work, my body starts looking for a break.  I’m thinking less about where my eyes are looking, and I slip into my old patterns for looking for sexual stimulation.  Sexual stimulation used to be my big escape and stress reliever.  The more stress I used to have, the more I would want to act out sexually. 

There are other emotions and needs that may cause you to have edgy days.  The HALTS acronym has been very helpful to me.  These are some times when I feel more edgy and things are more triggery for me:

 H – Hungry

A – Angry

L – Lonely

T – Tired

S – Stressed, Sick, Scared 

When our stress or our needs are being neglected, we’re going to have more struggles.  When you start feeling edgy, you have to start asking yourself: 

• What’s going on underneath the surface? 
• What’s my heart look like? 
• What am I feeling? 
• What are my needs? 
• What stresses or emotions am I dealing with right now?”

 

 4.  OUR SIN NATURE
Let’s not forget about our on hearts.  Many times, want to follow our own way, and not God’s.  We choose to be selfish, and not serving.  Even when we are following God and taking the right steps, we will have struggles with our sinful nature.  We will feel this pull to follow our sinful passions.  Some days are harder than others, aren’t they?   

 

5.  OUR NEED FOR CONNECTION
Some of us in sexual addiction recovery are still learning what it means to have healthy relationships. 

Another key word here is intimacy.  Intimacy is not always sexual.  Think of intimacy as “you knowing someone and them knowing you”.  That works with your relationship with God, your spouse, your friends, your family.  Each of these relationships has a level of intimacy. 

One of our deeper needs is for intimacy.  When we are not experiencing intimacy, we cry out for it.  Emotionally and relationally we are feeling a deficit.  This may be another factor contributing to your edgy-ness.

Ask, yourself…

Q:  Do I need to be around others right now?
Q:  Am I feeling lonely?  Abandoned?  Rejected?  Not valued? 
Q:  Do I need some physical touch that’s non-sexual?
Q:  Do I need to dump out my junk to someone?

SO WHAT DO I DO WHEN I’M EDGY?

Probably the most important thing is what we’ve already talked about:  be aware of what’s going on inside of you.  The cycle, your feelings about your marriage, your stress, your sin nature, your need for others. 

Here are some other helpful things:

1. Write out your feelings, triggers, stresses in a notebook or journal
2. Call out any trigger women or situations.  Ask Him to help you.
3. Call a friend.  Call a friend.  Call a friend.  It really works.
4. Talk to your wife.  Not about the details, but about your need to connect relationally and perhaps sexually.
5. Counseling and Group are very helpful in working out the underneath stuff.
6. Busyness works as a distraction and to take a breather from the waves.  It doesn’t deal with the issues underneath, but it gives you a bit of needed distance from them. 

 

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Resources
www.porntopurity.com  (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com   (Porn to Purity Blog) 

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The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity.  The meat.   Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces.  

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