SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 033
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LUST + UNMET NEEDS
I didn’t realize it, but I had unmet needs inside me. A need for purpose. A need to be valued. A need for approval. A need for acceptance. These are God-given needs. God provides healthy ways to meet these needs.
When lust comes together with unmet needs it tries to meet them in selfish ways. Lust teaches us to take, instead of give. Lust teaches us to covet, steal, manipulate to get what we want.
I found comfort largely in fantasy and masturbation. I imagined that I was valued and liked. I imagined that I was important and accepted. The habit of masturbation helped sear that as a helpful way to feel good about myself.
LUST + WOUNDS
Wounds can be any hurts. It can be abuse or neglect. It can be disappointment or failure. When these hurts came, I turned to my lustful behaviors for comfort again. When I was depressed lust picked me up. When I was stressed or tired, lustful behaviors made me feel better.
Maybe you have a lot of abuse or hurts in your life. Lust encourages you to keep them inside of you. To hide them, and turn to sexual behavior to find comfort.
LUST + RELATIONSHIPS
Lust eventually works its way outward. The more I lust in my heart, the sooner it starts affecting relationships and behaviors. Lust became a friend inside me, but it was even better when I had a real person liking me and showing me attention.
All of my relationships with girlfriends had this undercurrent of lust driving them. I would enjoy being with them on a date, then go home and act out. Eventually, I started pushing sensual and sexual boundaries with girls. I had touched them in my mind and moved to dirty places. It was only a matter of time before the lust would work its way out.
My wife and I had a lot of difficulty with our different levels of desire. I had very high desire, she had low desire. We thought we were just designed this way. But my growing lust problem was more of my problem. I brought my fantasy and masturbation habits into my marriage. Eventually, I started bringing Internet porn into my marriage. Lust was all over me.
My wife quickly became the outflow of my fantasies. She was not someone to love and give of myself to. She was quickly becoming an object I wanted to feed my lust with.
A HUGE REALIZATION
Two things shook my world, and helped me see what lust was doing to me:
Losing my job to porn – When I lost my job and ministry, I was shocked. I didn’t think things were that bad. I had some problems and some lust, but didn’t think it was the thing that would cause me to lose my job.
A good friend told me point blank, “You are in bondage to lust.” I was insulted by that. I thought he was overreacting. But as I took a step back from my life, I saw that I was addicted to lust. My secret was getting so big I had to lie to my wife and to others to maintain it.
A period of abstinence – My wife and I had gone into counseling over our high desire / low desire sexual problem. This plus a string of other difficult circumstances sent my wife into a depression. Our counselor recommended I take a 6-week period of abstinence. It was designed to teach me self control and to give my wife some breathing room.
My period of abstinence was became an act of love. A sacrifice to help my wife. For a while, I had a difficult time with it. I fought it. But God helped me switch from selfishness in my marriage to giving. A light turned on, and I started to see how much lust was involved in my marital behaviors.
KICKING LUST OUT OF THE DRIVER’S SEAT
1. A deep work of God has to happen – Lust is a heart thing. Spend time talking to God about it and surrendering it to Him.
2. Do some deep discovery with a counselor – Find out what’s underneath the surface that lust is trying to grab a hold of.
3. Focus on giving rather than taking – Lust is selfish and takes. Replace the lust flow with the love flow. Sacrifice yourself for others. Do things without expecting something in return.
Resources
www.porntopurity.com (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com (Porn to Purity Blog)
The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity. The meat. Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces.
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