SHOWNOTES FOR EPISODE 015
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I have a tendency to sexualize my relationships with women very quickly… but I’m working on it!
My counselor is awesome. He pokes and prods in the right directions, and helps me learn more about the things that contributed to my sexual addition. We look for roots. We look for lies I have believed. We look at wounds. We look for patterns.
EXPLORING MY FAMILY BACKGROUND
He and I have explored my family background a lot. I felt like I had a good, healthy relationships with my parents, but we never talked about sexual things. The subject was never on the table. We never had the hard talks, or really talked about how to have healthy relationships with girls.
EXPLORING MY EARLY RELATIONSHIPS WITH GIRLS
I was girl crazy from an early age. I remember having a girlfriend in Kindergarten (not that it meant anything). I remember wanting to be close to girls and wanting their attention. There was always a girl in class that I thought was really pretty. And I liked it when girls liked me. I liked it a lot.
EXPLORING MY PUBERTY YEARS
I was kid with low self-esteem. I wanted to fit in. I had many insecurities, and had a very low self-worth. I was so excited when a girl started to like me. I did not have healthy relationships with girls. They were normally SHALLOW.
Girls to me were a validation that I was OK. I felt on top of the world when I had a girlfriend. I felt like I had achieved something big to get a girl to like me and go out with me. When I got a girlfriend, the insecurities continued. I felt like I had to do whatever I could to keep her. I was afraid of losing her and being rejected. I would usually SMOTHER her.
Shallow or Smother – that’s me in two words!
SEXUALIZING OF RELATIONSHIPS
In my early adult years this “Shallow or Smother” theme continued, except I would add fantasy and masturbate to it. If a girl showed interest, I would get excited and turn her into a fantasy girl. My view of Internet pornography accelerated this. I would have the beginnings of a healthy relationship, then go way beyond reality and develop the relationship in my mind.
Here are some of the things I am doing right now to work on this:
MY ACTIVE HEALING PROCESS
- Being aware of these roots is essential
- Pouring myself into healthy, real relationships
- Filling my mind with healthy things: reading, journaling, prayer, blogging, work
- Daily surrendering this area to God
- Maintaining boundaries in my relationships
- Replacing lust with love and service toward others
- Accountability and support group to help with my behaviors and the deeper things
- Finding my value in Christ alone
- Connecting with my wife frequently, and deeply
Resources
www.porntopurity.com (Main Website)
http://porntopurity.wordpress.com (Porn to Purity Blog)
The 104 Podcast
Top tips for sexual purity. The meat. Get to the most important stuff in bite-sized pieces.
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Posted by Another one right in my wheelhouse on October 29, 2009 at 12:11 am
Wow Jeff, these podcasts seem to come out right when I’m working on that specific aspect of my recovery. We are getting more integrated into a new church and a new area, and I know I can’t just hole up in my “recovery safe zone” forever. I feel like I someday need to be able to have professional, acquaintance, or even friendship level relationships with women, even attractive ones. Before my recovery began, those relationships were easy to have, but only because I was fantasizing or hoping for something sexual to happen. Once I was in recovery, I just had to stay completely away from anyone or anything that was triggery or tempting. And no matter how open you are about your addiction, it’s tough to tell a couple from church that you can’t have dinner with them because you struggle with lusting after the other guy’s wife! Like I told my group…”I can’t just hang around unattractive people for the rest of my life!” I am getting healthier in this area and one important thing that your podcast made me realize is how in middle school and high school, I would obsess for long periods of time over one or two really attractive girls. It hurt when my clumsy attempts to woo them failed miserably and publicly, so when I finally did have some “success” in the girls department, it was a really huge rush for me. So thanks for helping me maybe figure out some of my “roots”, and for allowing me to share it!
Posted by 104podcast on November 1, 2009 at 12:31 pm
So glad the podcasts are applying to your life! Some of the podacasts are humps I’ve been able to work through. Sexualizing Relationships is a “work in progress” for me. It was 20 years of building up bad habits for me, and only a couple of years now of working on the good habits. It is taking a lot of work for me to learn to develop healthy relationships with other women.
And like you, there are just some people we have to stay away from. Share about this with another guy (and your wife if you’re on that level) and keep it in check. Being a bit cold with this person might be a good help as well. Just don’t pursue any other type of relationship other than “hello”.
Praying for you, man!
Jeff